Lost and Found

[vbmods.livejournal.com]

Title: "Lost and Found"
Author: Barbara savageseraph
Rating: R
Beta: caras_galadhon
Prompts: #11: regret, "same stamp on every morning" and a photograph of a lighthouse.
Disclaimer: Never happened. Just a tissue of pretty lies.
Summary: Sometimes you can find what you're looking for.



"Fucking Christ." Sean glared at a box of clothes that tumbled off the tops of several other boxes of God-only-knows-what and spilled half its contents onto the attic floor. All he wanted to do was find one bloody fleece jacket. One jacket. Was that too much to ask? Kneeling down, he righted the box, started shoving sweaters back into it. No matter how carefully you packed things up to put them away, digging them back out again was always a bugger. If you managed to find them at all.

After jamming two nearly identical green sweaters back into the box, Sean paused as his fingers touched what was underneath them. The t-shirt, worn through in spots, was the moody blue of the ocean before a storm, and Sean didn't know how it got into the box of sweaters any more than he knew where to find his fleece. His fingers tightened around it as he picked it up. Overdue for a date with the dumpster. He never understood why that was Viggo's preferred fashion statement.

Sean's raised his arm as he intended to throw the shirt across the room, to get it as far away from him as possible, but as the cloth neared his face, he paused. He swore it still smelled like pine sap and the sea. Like Viggo. His eyes closed as he groaned. Sometimes people packed things away so that they wouldn't find them again.

When Viggo suggested the road trip to Oregon years ago, Sean didn't answer until the hints became a direct question. The prospect of spending days gripping the armrest in the car and pressing down on the floor and the brake pedal that didn't exist on his side as Viggo breezed down freeways as if they were racetracks sent a jolt of anxiety through him. Then, assuming they made it to their destination alive, he'd get to watch Viggo watch everything, including him, through the lens of his camera. Just thinking about it had made Sean feel deeply weary. He knew they needed a change of pace, a break in a chain of days that each started with the same stamp on every morning, the same seal on every night, but he also knew that he was thinking of a bigger change, a more permanent one. A change that didn't include Viggo. Sean hadn't said that, of course. He'd forced a smile and agreed.

As trips go, it wasn't as bad as Sean feared. Although Viggo wore the t-shirt almost the entire time they were gone, he didn't insist on camping, and his driving was reasonably sane as long as Sean didn't pay too much attention to it. He let Viggo rush about like a puppy off the leash snapping pictures and simply savored the rocky shorelines, the quiet of the pine forests, the crisp air fresh with the scent of the waves. They each left the other to his own enjoyment, Sean simply experiencing while Viggo was busy capturing.

On one clear day, they stopped at a lighthouse. Sean sat on a wrought iron bench near the edge of the cliffs and watched as Viggo worked for the perfect picture of the whitewashed buildings. He sighed softly as Viggo leaned forward, ass framed by his faded jeans, and Sean's fingers curled into loose fists as he imagined cupping Viggo's cheeks, running his thumbs along the seam between them. The only way it would be better is if Viggo was naked, if Sean's touch parted his cheeks so that he could lean in and fuck him with his tongue. As his own jeans grew tight, Sean cleared his throat, looked away. The sea was rough, choppy, and he wondered if Viggo was the light that would guide him home or the rocks he'd shatter on just before he could reach the shore. He wondered which one he wanted more.

Sean gripped the shirt more tightly. He'd given Viggo that trip as a gift, given it to him without telling him that he planned on leaving after it. He was waiting until work drew him away, gave him an excuse to drift out of Viggo's life. Later, when Viggo called him to ask when he'd be coming back, he'd let him know he wasn't. Sean straightened, shook his head as carded fingers through his hair. This wasn't helping him find his fucking fleece. When arms slipped around Sean's waist, he tensed.

"You've been up here a long time." Viggo's breath was a soft, familiar tickle against the back of his neck. When Sean raised a hand to Viggo's, Viggo made a soft sound, tugged at the shirt, trying to get it away from Sean. "I ... I didn't want to get rid of it."

Sean flushed, closed his eyes as he let the shirt go so Viggo could squirrel it away somewhere else. He'd never told Viggo he was thinking of leaving him back then. Now, he couldn't imagine a life without him.

"So have you found what you were looking for?"

Maybe this was another gift. It certainly felt like one every morning he woke next to Viggo's warmth. Sean relaxed against Viggo and smiled. "I found that years ago, love."

Comments

[mooms.livejournal.com]

A great use of the prompts and a very clever fic, which really had me going until the last few lines!

There was so much to enjoy, but I liked this line particularly :

The sea was rough, choppy, and he wondered if Viggo was the light that would guide him home or the rocks he'd shatter on just before he could reach the shore.

[savageseraph.livejournal.com]

I have to confess I got the kernel of the idea before the exchange, and then the prompt came along, and I thought, "Hmm, I can work to make this fit."

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[alex-quine.livejournal.com]

Poignant piece which both allows us into one man's thought processes, but also subtly hints that we should remember there is another side to it that we may never find out, but should be grateful for anyway. thanks for posting.

[savageseraph.livejournal.com]

Oh. Thank you for the lovely comment!

[govi20.livejournal.com]

The only way it would be better is if Viggo was naked, if Sean's touch parted his cheeks so that he could lean in and fuck him with his tongue. *whimpers* Absolutely great fic; there is so much to it, I think it's really amazing.

[savageseraph.livejournal.com]

*grins* I'm not sure where that random dirty thought came from. *adjusts halo* ^_~

[splix.livejournal.com]

That was really great. You built the tension beautifully, letting it build until you released it in the last couple of paragraphs. I thought you explored the idea of leaving in a realistic [and thus painful] fashion, and Sean's ambivalence was excellent, as was his ultimate resolve. I completely enjoyed it, thank you. :)

[savageseraph.livejournal.com]

Awww. Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[shegollum.livejournal.com]

I adore this:
"a chain of days that each started with the same stamp on every morning, the same seal on every night"

and this:
"he wondered if Viggo was the light that would guide him home or the rocks he'd shatter on just before he could reach the shore"

Every word of this is so full of meaning and feeling. i love it.

[savageseraph.livejournal.com]

Awwww. I'm so glad it worked for you, especially working in the prompt from the poem. ^_^

[caras-galadhon.livejournal.com]

There is so much to love about this story. I love how you take the theme of regret and twist it so by the end, it's something entirely different from where it appears to be going. I love the simple normality of Sean's search, and how that sets off the memories. I love where it goes, and I love the warmth of the ending. *happysigh*

The sea was rough, choppy, and he wondered if Viggo was the light that would guide him home or the rocks he'd shatter on just before he could reach the shore. He wondered which one he wanted more.
And most of all, I love this part. So much.

Maybe this was another gift. It certainly felt like one every morning he woke next to Viggo's warmth. Sean relaxed against Viggo and smiled. "I found that years ago, love."
And this. It's a perfect end to a sneaky but beautiful fic. ^_^

[savageseraph.livejournal.com]

Awwww. I'm so glad that you liked it. And that I got a prompt that let me work in an idea I had before the exchange. Multitasking is a good thing! ^_^

[rifleman-s.livejournal.com]

I like the way you drew the contasts between them ~

"... Sean simply experiencing while Viggo was busy capturing."

and then the similarities as they both settle into each other, without the need for spoiling things by confessions.

[helena-s-renn.livejournal.com]

that was damn good. it's appreciated to have a reminder not to have our guys be so happy and perfect all the time. of course every relationship will have its bumps, big or small. what sean's experiencing is the itchy dissatisfaction that builds over time, over the sum total of a bunch of little things.

A change that did not include Viggo." that did make my heart thump a little. but again, who hasn't had a thought like that? and viggo would not be an easy man to live with.

the first two thirds of paragraph seven, that really felt like sean - holding all his cards close to the chest, planning to drift away with the least amount of damage possible. i know what that kind of planning feels like and i smpathized with him (even though...)

so, at the end, we find them together after all. viggo sees the tee-shirt... maybe he knew it, too, or sensed it; at the time. it seems like it provokes a need for closeness in him. i alost said it put sean on guard, but no, he didn't even hear sean come up to him. it's an interesting piece you've written... hope to read more of it//them sometime through your words.

[foxrafer.livejournal.com]

It's almost as if Viggo sensed they were on the edge of something, that he kept the shirt and hid it away because it reminded him of what he almost lost. And all of Sean's emotions are so vivid in here, so deep.

He knew they needed a change of pace, a break in a chain of days that each started with the same stamp on every morning, the same seal on every night
This is lovely, and a great way of working in the prompt.

They each left the other to his own enjoyment, Sean simply experiencing while Viggo was busy capturing.
For some reason this speaks volumes to me about these two. It's wonderful.

he wondered if Viggo was the light that would guide him home or the rocks he'd shatter on just before he could reach the shore
Possibly my favorite line in the whole piece. It's absolutely fantastic.

[kittylass.livejournal.com]

That was beautiful. I'm at a loss for words! Thank you :)

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

a change of pace, a break in a chain of days that each started with the same stamp on every morning, the same seal on every night

i love fics that put me inside sean's mind, with all the worries and indiosycracies that i imaine him having. the bittersweet feel of this hit me really right, and the ending feels right too, without being sappy. this is wonderful.